Jon is sitting by the fire with his son
Son, did I ever tell you about the time we went beyond the Wall? The goal was to capture a wight to bring to Queen Cersei Lannister in order to prove the White Walkers were real, even though we had previously attempted this exact strategy earlier by bringing a wight hand to King's Landing, but it rotted and decayed and didn't convince anyone. However, because that happened in an earlier season, it wasn't canon anymore. I'm not sure why we believed Cersei, a crazy woman who only cares about herself, would be convinced that a dead corpse is actually an omen of an evil magic zombie army, but that was the plan. Anyway, we decided to get a large army to march beyond the Wall and take the Walkers by surprise. I'm kidding, of course. All I needed was twenty. Good. Men. But I couldn't find twenty, so instead we got seven meme characters, consisting of myself; the Hound, who likes chicken and saying "fuck"; Jorah Mormont; Beric Dondarrion and his flaming fanservice sword; Thoros of Myr; Gendry, a guy who rows boats; and Tormund, a wildling to likes to say "cock." Along the way, a polar bear mauled Thoros, because he was the most expendable character we brought with us.
The plan was successful at first. We managed to capture a wight after killing a White Walker. But then things went south, no pun intended, when the entire army of the dead showed up and gave chase. Luckily, Gendry is a marathon runner. We sent him miles back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys to tell her what happened. Then we ran in the opposite direction as a distraction, but we were surrounded on a lake. Gendry, with his supersonic speed, made it back to Eastwatch and sent a raven to Dragonstone, hundreds of miles to the south, and within minutes your mother was informed of our plight. Myself and my valiant comrades held off thousands of wights until your mother arrived, having flown at supersonic speed with her badass dragons for a big fight scene. It was cool. Unfortunately Darth Maul appeared and threw his lightsaber at one of your mother's dragons and it died. Perhaps this whole elaborate plan we concoted had simply been an even more elaborate keikaku conceived by the Night King so he could steal a dragon to destroy the Wall. As a note, keikaku is Valyrian for plan. I encouraged everyone else to flee on Drogon while I stayed behind to fight the entire army by myself. Luckily, my Valyrian steel plot armor protected me long enough for my uncle Benjen to return. He used the magic of Coldhands fanservice to help me escape to safety. I returned to Eastwatch where your mother was now immensely horny for me because of my sacrifice.
