PlayStation Experience Keynote script:
Show opens with a trailer for new Crash. Thunderous applause.
The applause transitions into screams as Jack Tretton, who has been temporarily reinstated as head of SCEA for 2 hours, takes the stage to MC the event.
Announces a PS4 price-drop to $149. All existing PS4 owners are gifted $200 into their PSN accounts as a thank you to launch-window buyers. Can barely hear him over the screams.
The lights dim as a trailer for Horizon, now named 'Emagon' is shown. The graphical fidelity of the dinosaurs causes several attendees to become hysterical. Paramedics take them away and call for backup.
The SEGA logo illuminates the screen. Shenmu 1 & 2 HD collection announced, bundled freely with Shenmu 3, exclusive to PS4.
Kojima takes the stage. MGS5 now PS4 exclusive. MGS 1, 2 and 3 to be remade in the Fox Engine for PS4. As is Snatcher. Norman Reedus and Del Toro join him on stage for a 10 minute gameplay demo of Silent Hills. Tears stream down the faces of the audience the entire time.
Boyes sprints on stage dressed as Santa Claus, complete with Santa’s Sack. ‘I have some more gifts for you” he says, causing uncontrollable trembling in all present. Suikoden I & II are available for download NOW on PSN, including optional fully orchestrated soundtrack.
Did somebody say Dino Crisis 4? Yes. Adam Boyes did, JUST NOW. He makes an awkward joke about PS4 being the undisputed home of dinosaurs. The reveal trailer shows Regina in a mech-suit fighting a T-Rex, 12 Raptors and a misguided Stegosaurus atop a mountain during a hurricane.
Boyes drops his Santa Sack on the floor and opens it. Shinji Hashimoto jumps out. The audience has been crying for so long that large swaths of people are losing brain function due to low salt-levels.
He doesn’t need to ask people to please be excited; there isn’t a dry seat in the room. New trailer shown for Kingdom Hearts. Mandy Moore is back as Aerith. FFXV world map shown, and 2015 release date revealed. “One more thing.” Audience holds its breath. FFVII HD remaster trailer shown. PS4 exclusive. Many audience members forget to resume breathing. The death count is getting out of control.
Amid the chaos, Chris Metzen takes the stage. PS4 exclusive Starcraft Ghost revealed. Paramedics have to restrain a man from clawing his own eyes out, such is the intensity of the reveal trailer.
Tretton takes the stage, visibly shaken by the carnage before him. But the show must go on. Let’s talk about firmware (it’s a Sony conference). Suspend resume available next week. PSN name changes sorted out, PS2 trophy support. A turnbuckle and wrestling ropes rise from the stage, and Shu rushes towards it and reaches over with his outstretched hand. Tretton tags him in.
Medieval, Dark Cloud, Syphon Filter, Colony Wars and Wip3out have all been green-lit for PS4 games. The amount of happening in the room is causing cracks to appear in the walls of the theatre.
Kratos appears on screen. He's fighting the Gods of ancient Norse mythology. Trailer concludes with him disembowling Odin with a Dane Axe.
Naughty Dog logo appears. First footage of the Uncharted movie is shown. Wow, they really nailed the casting of Drake. Hang on. No? It couldn’t be? It’s actually photo-realistic 60fps 1080p gameplay footage of Uncharted 4. The stress of seeing UC4 gameplay causes a woman in the front row to go into premature labour. She wasn’t even pregnant when the show began.
Tretton thanks people for attending and watching at home. They still have new gameplay of Bloodbourne, The Order, No Man’s Sky, EGTTR, Rime, Wild, The Witness, Shadow of the Beast and more, but emergency rooms are at breaking point. Too much hype has been spilled this day.
“Oh, just one more thing”
The Last Guardian lives. Chunks of concrete fall from the ceiling, crushing those below. The room can’t handle all of the feels pulsating out of gamers as they bask in the glory of the gameplay trailer. The audience is too transfixed to run. When the June 2015 launch date is revealed the internet as we once knew it is dead. People watching at home scramble to put batteries in CB radios, hoping to pick up military chatter about the PSX event.
Only one attendee remains alive in the theatre. His glasses shattered while watching Sora, Donald and Goofy wage battle with Prince Hans, sparing his eyes from what followed. Scrambling over the corpses in the theatre, he takes refuge under a desk with Jack Tretton.
“Is it over?” he asks Jack tentatively.
“Yes” sighs Jack. “Well, except for one more thing”
The roof explodes, allowing a helicopter to lower someone down onto the stage.
It’s Gaben. Half-life 3 confirmed. Console exclusive on PS4. Available for download on Steam and PS4 RIGHT NOW.